Steve's Baywatch Hawaii Experience

On October 10, 2000, I received the following e-mail from my friend, Candace Jones:

Our friend Chris Cander (as some of you know) was in an episode of Baywatch a while back. Now there is a vote process to get her back on...

So if we can vote for Chris, below is the way to do it. For those of you who don't know her, she is a really bodacious babe with a great disposition, so that is my official "vouching for" her as a great candidate.

I went to the Baywatch site so that I could vote for Chris. Normally, I wouldn't have wasted my time, but I kind of wanted to check out this "Really Bodacious Babe", as Candace put it.

I voted for Chris.

Finally! A beauty contest where Internet presence matters.

Then I thought, "Hey, I could be in this contest!"

So I submitted an entry by answering the four simple questions below.

Why do you want to be on Baywatch Hawaii?
Because I can do triple integrals in my head. Math is sexy!

Who is your favorite Baywatch character?
Skeletor

Where is the best place to run in your city?
White Rock Lake

Where is your favorite place to watch the sun set?
Pacific Ocean

What's your favorite restaurant?
Thai Egg Roll and Yogurt

The contest was run by Citysearch in the hackneyed 'Survivor' fashion. The few people who visited the Baywatch Citysearch site could vote for one contestant per day. The person with the fewest amount of votes at the end of every day was voted out of the contest.

I somehow managed to survive without telling too many people about the contest.

After surviving the month long local round, I received the following official message from Beth Martino of Citysearch.

We are required to have you come into our local office to take a photograph, so that all the photos for the regional voting will be the same format. We need to photograph everyone who participated and there is no guarantee, at this time, that you will be voted in to the regional part of the competition.

This is a must for you to continue on in the competition, and if you will not or cannot be photographed, you will be defaulted from the competition.

I didn't want to pay for a flight to Austin, so I thought the joke was over.

However, after much cajoling from Denise and my friends Dave and Wayne, I was finally convinced for the sake of the bit, to use up a Southwest Airlines credit voucher and dump an extra $80 on top of that for an impromptu flight from Dallas to Austin just to get my official photo taken.

Now I was commmitted. And as long as I was in the running, I was going to try my best to win.

It was time to spam my friends.

Help me get on Baywatch

As many of you know, I am in a contest to be on Baywatch. I have made it past the local competition into the regional round and have to win the next two rounds in order to go to the national finals in LA.

All I have to do is beat the person or people I'm paired with and I advance. Each pairing lasts a couple of days and you can vote every day. There are only 5 people to beat, so this is very do-able.

It was more difficult than I thought it would be. Competitors such as pure, sweet, clean Geoff gave me a run for the money. Plus there were more rounds than Citysearch had originally advertised.

The people close to me really helped me get votes. Denise continually broadcast messages to her extensive e-mail list, as did my mother, co-workers at Acadian, comedians in alt.comedy.standup, the Upsilon chapter of Beta Theta Pi, and Four Day Weekend.

As I progressed through the rounds, things started getting crazy. Baywatch, a show I'd never seen (I don't even have a TV), became an obsession.

I attended the Dallas Margarita Ball (with Denise and Randel) to pass out cards asking people to vote for me.

My mother had an article printed about me in the local newspaper, The Waterbury Rebublican (CT).

The amount of time I was wasting getting votes was becoming ridiculous. I just wanted it to end.

After about four weeks of sucking the life force out of me, the voting mercifully ceased.

I had made it to the National Finals in L.A.!

In an ironic turn of events, Chris Cander was eliminated in the regional finals round.

All finalists subsequently received the following E-mail.

Congratulations from the Baywatch Search!

Are you ready to come to Los Angeles? Congratulations, the online voting process is over and you are one of the national finalists! You will be flown to Los Angeles in order to compete in the Citysearch Baywatch Search National Finals Live Event, which will be held at the Universal Citywalk on December 3rd. You will be departing for Los Angeles on Friday, December 1st and you will be returning the evening of the 3rd.

In addition to the National Finals Event, we have planned a fun weekend for you that will include a welcome party, a tour of Universal Studios, and a chance to meet some of the cast and crew of Baywatch Hawaii. A detailed itinerary will be emailed to you in the coming days along with your flight itinerary.

Crazed by the desire to win the event, I started looking for an angle with which to wow the judges.

I contacted popular fitness magazines, hoping for a tie-in article. No luck.

I also wanted to write a script to present to the judges (I'm also a writer among other things), but this never came to fruition.

Finally, I reached my nadir. I rented the Baywatch Movie in hopes that seeing an actual episode might give me some sort of competitive edge when I reached L.A. This was not my proudest hour.

The Contest

Finally the day came, and I was flown out to LAX, where a limo picked up the contestants and dropped us at the Universal City Hilton where I met my roommate, Lance. It was my first time in a limo.

Over the next few days, we were given plenty of free time to hang out with the other 23 finalists. We went to clubs (not a big draw for me), Universal Studios, and the Universal Citywalk.

During the weekend, I hung out mostly with the geriatric contestants McGrew and Jennifer, as well as Denise who came out for the contest.

From a contestant's standpoint, there were some logistical glitches that could have been improved.

Warning: Complainer alert!

Contestants were never formally introduced to each other and there was no roster. I'm still unsure if there was a Nick or a Kelby in the contest.
Only one meal was provided for us the entire weekend. That may be OK, but they should have let us know this beforehand.
There was no way of contacting the other contestants to talk, go have lunch, or go out. We didn't know what room they might be in, or even what their last names were. We pretty much had to hang out in the lobby hoping someone with a nice body walked by (this is a new hobby of mine).

Sunday finally came. All the contestants were paraded to the main stage at the Universal Citywalk, where we would get on stage for the crowd to see.

And just in case you couldn't see the stage, we were being simulcast on the Jumbotron.

There were two rounds. The first one was the individual interview. You'd just get up on stage and do dignity enhancing exercises like singing, dancing, or answering embarrassing personal questions. I was asked to do a football cheer.

Now I'm not Mr. Stage Presence, but after observing the introverted way some contestants comported themselves, you'd think they'd never sang in front of a packed coliseum before.

After a short break, we were paired up with a contestant of the opposite sex and given a scene to improvise. I was fortunate to be paired with Tiffany Rose who did a masterful job in our scene.


Steve and Tiffany Rose on stage improvising a fictitious Baywatch Exercise Video in the talent portion of the event.	Eventually, the video reveals the fitness instructor's sadistic nature to Brande and the crowd.

Tonya, McGrew, Steve, Jill, and Megan	Steve with Baywatch actors Angelica and Michael, whose job description is "kiss each other".

Marcus (41) and Steve (39), the two oldest contestants.	Angelica watches Steve willingly compromising his dignity.

Ultimately, I didn't stand a chance of winning due to my genetic limitations.

And although I wasn't one of the winners, I still marvel at the fact that they flew me out to L.A. and put me up in the Hilton to be one of the 24 National Finalists (12 Male, 12 Female) in the Baywatch Festival of Meat Parade.

In any event, all contestants were given free passes to Universal Studios over the weekend, where these photos were taken.

Epilogue

For everyone who voted for me and supported me with your time and attention, many, many thanks. I hope someday I can return the favor.

Does Baywatch make you sick? Click Here!